Machines Have Feelings Too

In America, there are approximately 20 million snack and candy vending machines, 30 million soda pop vending machines, and a whole assortment of others, making up a total of approximately fifty million vending machines alive and well living it towns all across this great country. Vending machines make up a surprisingly good part of our economy. In fact, vending machines have been serving this country for over one hundred years, offering goods such as, cigarettes, newspapers, magazines, snacks, candy, gum balls, stamps, envelopes, disposable cameras, batteries, pornography, maps, condoms, fake plastic jewelry, stickers, decals, temporary tattoos. The list goes on and on…and what, you ask does this all mean? Well, assuming that each machine is working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, It would take about three people working full time to do the job of one machine and with 7 million machines well, that's a lot of people, 21 million people to be exact.

 

The problem I am having however is that I still see many avenues that have yet to be traveled. Think about all the aspects of retail that have yet to benefit from the convienience of vending machines and think of all the vending machines being cheated out of work. There are many retail positions that could easily be given to vending machines. How about a vending machine pharmacy. Then none of the pharmacists would have to go to work! How about a vending machine that offers psychiatric advice. Given the current state of the nations depression epidemic, it would be a hit! We could have one on every corner. I want to be able to get a sirloin steak and some mashed potatoes from a goddamn vending machine! Or how about an antique dresser. How about a vending machine pet store where you can get all of your pet accessories. Heck, I want to be able to get a full-grown Great Dane out of a goddamn vending machine. Lets face it. Americans need to demand the opportunity for vending machines to flourish.

 

Another dillema that I am currently facing is the fact that not only do we not give machines the chance to perform to their full potencial but that vending machines don't get nearly enough credit for all of their hard work. I mean, how many times have you seen someone get frustrated and kick a vending machine? Come on. No ones perfect. Machines make mistakes too. When was the last time you said "thank you" to the vending machine when it promptly sent your soda pop rummaging down its chutes? That's what I thought. I feel it is my duty to take a stand and speak out for vending machines. Rage against the machine? Fuck that! Praise the machine. Vending machines save 21 million people from having to wake up and go to work.