American Hate Each Other

It's Columbus Day, October 11th 2004,

Everything is going quite fine until I merge onto the highway and find myself surrounded by a thousand drooling, scowling, glossy-eyed creatures steering vehicles this way and that, on a pilgrimage to some aimless destination. I rub my eyes, look again and realize that I am completely surrounded by Americans. I begin to panic. I hide behind my steering wheel but I'm sure they can see me. I'm trying to stay calm but it's like the Nascar Indi-500 headed north on Highway-fucking-Four. I've got a monster truck on my ass and all I can see is its "Super Swamper" mud tires in my rear view mirror. There's a beat up Ford Pinto, cutting me off from the left and I know that if I happen to rear-end the primered piece of shit it will explode because I just so happened to be up at three thirty in the morning to see that episode of "Corporate Crime Fighters". I've got stretch fucking limozines on both sides and some sort of unidentified flying object closing in from above.

Just when I begin to lose all hope of making it out alive I make out a voice through the commotion. Where is it coming from? The clouds? Is it god? Where the hell is that coming from? Then the voice becomes clear…

 

Hey there, Chris Columbus here.

Just here to remind you that…

You are an American.

Calvin's pissing on you.

He's on your ass.

He's honking.

He's swerving.

He's flipping you off.

He's driving like a complete asshole.

He's got naked lady mudflaps, a gun rack and a "Fear This" decal stretched clear across his back window and the only way to get his attention is to crash your shitty car into the median, fly through your mildly tinted windshield and under the wheels of a hundred barging big rigs. In which case he will slow down so that he can sneak a peak at your dead dilapidated body sprawled out upon the highway satisfied because now he can return home with something interesting to talk about over supper with his wife and kids who will grow up to be just like him.

Good morning America!

Yes folks!

We have a beautiful day ahead of us with highs, lows and absolutely nothing in between.

Oh say can't you see?

Wake up and smell the fumes.

United we stand?

Stick a boot in your ass.

Americans hate each other.